I’ve been procrastinating this blog for far too long. Perhaps it’s because this is like an introduction for my life and there’s an element of self-reflection that is needed to introduce the who, what, where and why and when I’m the who, what , where and why it forces me to think about why I enjoy creating awkward moments, sometimes get outrageously drunk and how I don’t count calories as much as I probably should. Regardless, I’m here now and I guess that we should start from the beginning.
I’m Melissa, 24 years old and born and bred from Wellington. As my tinder profile outlines, I like brunch and dogs. I’m employed and I’ve already been asked not to specify my workplace but I guess I can mention that the general public fund my lifestyle and therefore my Tinder dating experience (so thanks in advance!) I’ve never really known how to write about myself without repeating “I’m a crazy bitch!” a million times so I’ve called on a few people to ask how they would describe me.
Monica, my youngest flatmate is currently getting ready for her own Tinder date tonight as I type away at my laptop.
Me: “Hey Mon, how would you describe me, it’s for my Tinder blog?”
Mon: “You’re like a bubbly, doesn’t give a fuck, bad ass bitch but like, you do give a fuck… I don’t know… it’s a tough one. You’re pretty cool and you’re hilarious. *laughs*
Me: “Do you think that I’m an easy person for boys to like?”
Mon: “Yes! Heart Breaker!”
Me: ” Alright, I’m just gonna grab my phone and call my Daddy and ask him”
*calls Daddy*
Whilst I’m waiting for the phone to ring, there is a reason why I’m a 24-year-old single independent woman who still refers to my Father as “Daddy”. To sum it up, he is my number one male, my favourite human being and I know how lucky I am to have had such a supportive and hilariously inappropriate short fat German as a parent. Also as a side note, there is a 100% chance that I get what I want when I refer to constantly nag at him and call him Daddy. It’s a fact.
I digress..
Me: “Hi Daddy, can I ask you something, I’m writing a blog about my 30 tinder dates and I need to know how you would describe me”
Daddy: “You’re writing a book?”
Me: “A blog”
Daddy: “Why?”
Me: “Because I went on 30 Tinder dates in 30 days”
Daddy: “Why would you do that? Hang on, call me on the landline…”
*calls on the landline*
Me: “Hi… Right, Describe me!”
Daddy: “You want me to be nice or horrible? Wait, can we talk about the coffee machine I bought you first?” *natters on for five minutes about my new coffee machine*
Me: “Yay, I love it! Now… back to the reason why I called. Describe me!”
Daddy: “Right. Well you are a little bundle of energy.”
Me: “And in terms of dating?”
Daddy: “A nightmare on two wheels?”
Me: “That’s so great! Can you ask Roxy (My 26-year-old sister) ?”
Daddy: “She ran away.”
Obviously, my Dad is the blunt parent and it’s always been that way. When I then called and asked my Mum for a personality reference she boosted my already inflated ego who said that I was “fun, energetic, driven and engaged” but in terms of relationships “not everyone would be a good match because you’re really smart, street smart. Almost intimidating”.
Gee, thanks Mum. I was really hoping that someone would reiterate that I’m a crazy bitch so I called upon my best and probably only guy friend who I hadn’t had sex with: BD (which clearly doesn’t stand for Big Dick)
Me: “BD, how would you describe me?”
BD: “…You act like you don’t give a shit and that you’re a boss as bitch, but you do actually care and you’re a really good friend”
Me: “What would you say to a guy who wanted to date me?”
BD: “That he should put a bullet in his head. Nah, I would say “Good luck” but not in a negative way. Like she will eat you alive. I’m surprised you haven’t farted in front of me”.
With all this information behind me, it poses the first question as to why the hell would anyone go on 30 dates in 30 days? I had joked about it with a few friends in April when I rejoined Tinder after a temporary fling ended with another guy I had met on there and they said that it would be funny if I actually did it.
The night of my birthday BYO, I had a one night stand with a Facebook friend who said that he bet that I couldn’t go through with it. Upset and annoyed (not just with his performance from the night before) I was set out to prove him wrong. Problem was, I had gone on a Tinder date with a guy who I genuinely liked on the Thursday night. We had met at Matterhorn for a drink and there was something about him where there was an instant attraction but couldn’t quite gauge the situation and figure out for what it was. It was amazing, intense and relatively quick (like his performance) and after 10 or so dates, it had ended.
So here we are. For the lolz of my friends, family and with no expectations, the hope of at least one free brunch and to rebound quickly from my two week passionate Tinder fling.