Top Tinder Tips from a Tinder Pro

First of all, misleading title. I’m not really a Tinder Pro. I would call myself a “slightly above average Tinder swiper”. Enticing, huh? Who would take tips from me when the reason why I got matches and then dates in the first place is probably a result of one (if not all,) of the below:

1. Having a vagina
2. One of my images is a selfie with a sloth
3. Impressive cleavage
4. Plain ol’ determination

I don’t even think I’m selling myself short there.

I also don’t think that my dating experience could ever be of actual use to anyone. Therefore ‘Top Tips’ is a little misleading. When my friends tell me that they’ve broken up with their boyfriends, my only real advice for them is: “have sex with his best friend!”

I did this 30DaysofTinder experiment so everyone could laugh at my bad decisions, not to help anyone else with theirs.

Anyway, here it is. Top Tinder Tips from a Tinder Pro Hoe:

1.LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS

(This one is simply too easy).

This goes for both guys and girls. Realistically, you’re not going to find the most amazing person you have ever met after swiping them and then meeting them once. If you do, you’re the exception, not the rule (thanks “He’s Just Not That Into You”!). Whilst I believe that there are a number of reasons why one may be on Tinder (I read that 10% of New Zealand’s population uses it) you’re never going to know their reasons until you message or meet them.

And for those guys with the shirtless selfies, the girls (and guys!) with the pouted duck faces,  people who take multiple selfies in general for their Tinder, and those who are a huge fan of the mirror poses – you’re probably not as hot as your angle portrays.

Therefore you need to Lower your expectations!

Are you here for true love, aka a gentleman who’s going to buy you dinner and kiss you BEFORE he taps and gaps?

Lower your expectations!

Are you using Tinder for the best sex of your life? Then you need to really:

Lower your expectations!

2. Be wary of people’s photos, bios and grammar

There is no awesome way of depicting yourself flawlessly via an application unless you’re already an Instragram Model. You’re always going to be better in real life! At least, I hope so, for your sake and for your potential Tinder luver’s.

My favourite line I’ve ever used as my bio is: “What do classy bitches write here?” and the best line I’ve ever read on Tinder is: “It’s all fun and games til I fuck your Dad”. Brutal and crass; I appreciated it. I hope that girl got a lot of matches for that.

The moral of the story is, keep the bio simple. No one wants to read a novel before they’ve even made up their mind.

Now, profile pictures:

Has anyone else noticed that people are noticeably fatter IRL than in their Tinder pictures? No judgement here, the same hold true for me too. You bet I uploaded Tinder pictures of me post break-up in a sassy play suit with a 90 degree angle cleavage shot. I’ve since gained back that break-up weight I lost when I was too sad to eat.

The other Tinder picture cardinal sin that I suggest you think long and hard about is shirtless selfies. Does anyone really want to see shirtless selfies? Since I’m all for the Dad-Bod, I was pleasantly surprised/mildly disappointed that one of my 30 Tinder Dates had a six-pack since he wasn’t a body builder and he never mentioned going to the gym.

Here’s my small list of things your absolutely shouldn’t have in your Tinder pictures

• Sunglasses in every single photo. (Are you on the run from Police 10/7?)
• Friends in every single photo. (Are you the token ugly or the potential Instagram model? I can’t tell = no swipe.)
• Selfies in every single photo. (Do you ever leave the house?)
• Alcohol being consumed in every single photo. Same goes for illicit drugs. (What am I getting myself into here?)
• Pictures of things that aren’t you. (For example, famous people, dumb memes that no one gets, fancy cars that you could never afford and so on. Oh, and sports team flags! No one who doesn’t know you will care about a team they haven’t heard of, okay? Show me more pictures of yourself so that I can reassess this situation.)
• The Classic DP.
• Don’t crop your ex out of pictures. (It does not show that you’re a classy human being. And especially don’t crop them when they looked good that night! Just TAKE NEW PHOTOS. Shade thrown.)
• Photos with cats.(Note to Melissa: girl, this is totally your Dog bias talking. I would definitely swipe right on pictures of cats, as long as the person was actually in the photo with the cat, it wasn’t just a rouge kitty. Same with pictures of dogs! And pigs. And bunnies. And – okay, all of the animals! I want to see some Noah’s Ark shit on Tinder.)

My small list of things you should have in your Tinder pictures

• You having fun
• You how you actually look right now, not your profile picture from 2012.
• A few photos of you with friends so we know you have them.
• Good angles
• If you’ve travelled, prove it. With one or two photos. Be aware though that any more than a few seems as though you’re flighty and don’t stay in one place for long. That is, unless that’s true and you don’t. in which case you’re being appropriate with your messaging.
• A nice 85 degree phone angle of your face.
• Photos with dogs.

• 

And remember that you don’t need to explain that the kid is your niece/nephew every time. We believe you.

3. To get a fuck, you need to give a fuck

Or in other words, put an effort into your dialogue.

If you settle for the first person that greets you on Tinder with a “Hey” and agree to meet up with them, you won’t be satisfied unless they are truly the exception to the rule. I’ve had some tragic Tinder encounters (pre-30 Days of Tinder!) where in some situations I settled for the sake of settling and others where I met up with them under false pretexts in the hope that it would lead to something more exciting, like an offer to ride his motorcycle (which never eventuated, we never got past the second date where he offered to pay for dinner under the condition that he could take the leftovers home. Sustainable yes, but embarrassingly cheap).

There’s something exciting about Tinder banter, which I never got to enjoy throughout my 30 Day Challenge with the exception of Date #12 and the Harry Potter chat guy. Flirty banter where you attempt to sass and outwit each other leads to an underwhelming real life meet-up where you find out that they are way funnier online than in real life.

Or it leads to something more.

4. No really, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS

How pleasantly surprised would you be if you found out that they’re even taller than you imagined (A rare occurrence in my case, I find,) or that you were met with a screenshot of their DP before you ever met them? Yep, that’s happened to millions of girls (and guys) on Tinder.

Realistically, you’re going to run into 34 year old Geoff, or any of Tinder’s other frequent fliers, who think that deleting their Tinder every other day increases their chances of matching you, because you won’t remember the awkward, terrible conversation you had with them two days prior.

You’re also probably going to match some good-looking guy who tells you how much he likes choking. Aside from the fact he uses pictures of a German Instagram Model, no one should probably lead with the “Hi, How are you?” “Can I choke you?”

5. The rules are there are no rules

There are no rules on Tinder (apart from spamming, rudeness, illegal soliciting and being a douche bag) so it’s one of those things where you have to make your own rules for how you want to play the game. I made this rule where I wouldn’t put out for 10 Dates (sorry for telling the world, Mum!) I started this rule about a year and a half ago and shall we say that my total count for Tinder penetrations is more than the Virgin Mary’s and less than the dudes that Taylor Swift has written songs about. (I don’t know if this is true… I hope I’m not miscalculating Tay’s number in my head.)

I also had this rule about what constitutes a date: it had to be one where we go out and enjoy each other’s company, eat food and not just hang out in awkward ‘getting to know each other’ situations. This wasn’t because I was trying to restore any sort of dignity that I probably didn’t have in the first place, it was just that I’m not a fan of awkward, horrible naked encounters with someone I’m not even sure showers every day. I just need to be reassured, that they shower, y’know?