Date #24 The Late Night Stroll With The Philosophical Paraplegic

Before I get into the real reason why you’re here which is to read about my dating life, I just wanted to clarify for the millionth that this blog wasn’t intended to go viral and I don’t want to feel guilty for not posting but then obviously want to explain it to the 500-1ooo people a day who visit my blog the reasons behind my recent radio silence (Hi! Nice to meet you!). For those who don’t know me in real life, you wouldn’t know that one of these guys I have already written about has since passed away. He was one of the best ones. He referred to me  to someone as the “best kind of crazy”, was hugely supportive of the blog and I have the bestest and fondest thoughts of him with me always and am so pleased that I got to experience his crazy, beautiful self with a few pashes in between. Needless to say, it wasn’t the infamous crotch-grabber. I don’t really have much more to say on the matter as I don’t want to take away from the glorious guy I met below but I personally feel a lot more comfortable having acknowledged it on the blog without pretending like it never happened.

And so.. we continue!

 

The day after I met the lawyer, fate (by that I mean my mother’s predisposition for birthing small humans) saw my sister and I driving up to Papamoa for my little brother’s birthday. I was a week and a half away from finishing 30DaysofTinder when I had to interrupt my dating schedule of brunch, beards and hipsters to visit …the Bay of Plenty.

This was seen as labour intensive and a chore initially (Sorry Mum!). I had to make small talk after a seven hour drive with numerous guys by being adorable and flirty, all whilst securing a date or two within a 48 hour period. Believe me, the pool was extremely murky and it was a foreign land full of baggy pants, Waikato Draught and a lot of “hwa u”. I almost missed hipsters and ginger beards after three conversations with various Humans of Tauranga that went a little something like this.

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No, just a shame for you.

 

Fun Tinder story: A year prior when I was in the Bay of Plenty, I was panicking and calling emergency medical clinics in Tauranga for an appointment after a Tinder boy in Wellington called to tell me that he thought that I had given him the clap, even though we had always used protection and hadn’t had sex in months.

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Preach it sister!

Naturally, I confided in a doctor on Tinder (or at least, someone who claimed to be) who was rather relaxed about my possible diagnosis. After four days under some serious stress, sans clap, I was relieved of such accusations. Tinder-boy with assumed clap didn’t actually have the clap and we never slept together again. It killed the mood. Forever.

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I’ve been waiting a lifetime for an appropriate Nicholas Cage gif

Anyway, flashback to me lying in bed at my parent’s house swiping right late in the evening due to my short time-frame and low-key desperation. Being the second-favourite sister meant that I had the privacy to get an actual bed in a room all by myself and not a bottom bunk in a room shared with an eight year old (Shame favourite sister!).

I had a birthday party to attend on the Saturday where I got told off by the supervisor for riding the children’s toy cars and zooming around on the toy motorcycle fit for four-year olds. During this, I was in two minds about the whole dating-lyf in The Bay of Plenty thing and struggled to explain the whole concept to my Mum who understood my pain of trying to meet someone up here.

I was unsure of coming off too forward to these Humans of Tauranga as I was only in the region for one night which could possibly lead to some assumptions.

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I’m here for one night only. No, really.

I didn’t want to be a snobby hipster Wellingtonian but babes, believe me it was pretty fucking bleak when it came swiping in the Bay. So many unknown hand gesture signs in photos with confused (or perhaps constipated) facial expressions to score da babes.

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Mmm, I’ll go for pensievely constipated to allure ya’ll

I swiped across this guy who had written a paragraph to describe himself with some great, purposely chosen photos of various stages of life demonstrating travel, employment, friendship and random ‘questionable’ ones for enquiring about. I love it when people have photographic evidence of friendship on Tinder, it gives us hope.

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One for Facey, Snapchat, Twitter aaaand one for TINDER

Date #24 was a sailor, a writer and a philosopher. There was no way this guy was from Tauranga. I was almost questioning why anyone would be free to meet me on a Saturday night, as I’m never ultimately going to be a good choice for anyone wanting to meet or date me at short notice. I regularly get too drunk given the opportunity and never put out before drunkenly demanding Burger King and falling asleep immediately after eating said Creamy Mayo Cheeseburger and talking/slurring up a huge game of how I was going to rock your world.

Date #24 had a boat, that he sailed and lived on (in?). Because we were in Tauranga I was realistic about what kind of boat he probably had.

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Lower your expectations!
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But not your standards

His boat was somewhere in between. Date #24 and I agreed to meet up at the dock at 8.30pm on a Saturday night. I decided to not take my guard dog Richie in case it scared my date and he was much happier snuggling up to my Mum who was at home watching/sleeping through Bridget Jones Edge of Reason.

 

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Richie, the killer

As I was driving to the dock, I started to have very real fears about my safety despite telling my Mum where I was going (“Going to meet a stranger who owns a boat! BYE”) possibly because it was dark and I was heading towards a dock to my impending doom. I felt like I was really overcommitting myself this whole dating concept for my friends and families enjoyment.

 

Thankfully, Date #24 seemed relatively normal and wheeled towards me with long curly hair, the most impressive beard and ultimately looked like handsome Jesus in a wheelchair. So saintly. He also had an accent, this beautiful brazillian one where he said said ‘darling’ and ‘yes darling’ at the end of every sentence. If I wasn’t so overwhelmed with the situation, I would have been very taken, very quickly with his humble swag. I’ve never felt so basic after talking to someone after five minutes like I did with this guy. He was in his mid 30’s but you’d be forgiven for thinking he was mid 40’s due to how much life he had condensed into his. He was a trained sky diving instructor based in Queenstown for years before his accident. He switched himself and his passenger at the last second to ensure the safety of the other guy who had a young baby and his wife watching him. He broke his back, is now in a wheelchair and is the first paraplegic to sail across the Pacific Ocean. I think.

This guy had serious swagger and ultimate game. After about 20 minutes of our stroll across the dock, I felt like he was literally too old for me and was telling me the tales of his youth. I was almost disappointed in myself that I wasn’t the adorable girl he swiped right on. I mean, I’ve kinda travelled, I have a good job and a cute dog but after speaking to him I felt like I had the most sub-par life. He dated an FHM model back in the states for fucks sake.

It got to the point where I silently started to compare him to my Grandpa because he was worldly, wise and kinda starting to lecture me (he’s also writing a book on Philosophy amongst being super swag and sailing everywhere). I ultimately just couldn’t deal anymore. I adored talking to him but in the same way I liked talking to my Grandpa (in small doses, twice a year)

I made up some adorable excuse about meeting a friend (another Tinder date) in Mt Maunganui and we had this peck on the cheek where I had to bend down – stoked.

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See you at Christmas!

Edit: Usually, I don’t like to discuss the post-dates but in this case I met up with Date#24 again for a drink when he was down in Wellington. He kind of started to allude whether something more was going to happen (which I didn’t think we were ‘there’ yet/not at all) and said that girls who don’t put out after two dates are insecure with themselves.

Food for thought. I must be one insecure mess.

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9 thoughts on “Date #24 The Late Night Stroll With The Philosophical Paraplegic

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