Things My Mother Never Taught Me About Dating: Fuckboys, Tinder and Your Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriends

Mum, I talk about small penises in this blog, don’t read it!

I wanted to write about this before I talk about the date with the guy in a wheelchair (also known as Date #24). The reason why is because no one explained to me what a “fuckboy” is and no one ever seems to want to talk about Girl Politics: How to deal with your ex’s ex unless you’re drunk and talking to your friends from high school about it. My Mum was relatively liberal about explaining safe sex, teenage drinking and talking me out of dating homeless guys (“Just remember , the guys you want to be with aren’t doing nothing and hanging on the streets, they’re out doing stuff… which is why you’re single. You haven’t met them yet!”) and never taught me how to deal with girls who have been out with your boyfriend in the past, online dating and this new term “fuckboys” which honestly, I still don’t understand the concept of.

The inspiration for this blog came from standing in line behind this girl at Farmers who was the ex-girlfriend of a guy I ‘kind of’ messed around with dated from over a year ago. Like the self-obsessed person I am, I wondered whether she knew who I was. I knew who she was courtesy of Facebook stalking and this guy was quite horrible about her when he reflected on their relationship (which is super crass). I remember I had to call him on this once for being so awful and derogatory about her. This didn’t affect my opinion of her because when you badmouth another person it says more about you than it does about them (Thanks for that one too Mum!). This guy didn’t exactly live up to the big expectation he unnecessarily created for himself during our brief, but relatively glorious fling and I was sure her and I could bond over this small fact we both knew about. (Sorry Mum!)

When it comes to relationships, flings and the things in between, there are pros and cons to being young and naive vs. being older and wiser.  It was literally the best time ever pashing guys when I was 16. I had this boyfriend who I had met on the train going to school who after 6 months cheated on me and pashed another girl, so I pashed another guy to even things out. I think we went to the movies once and we used to hang out at my Mum’s house two or three times a week for six months and he’d watch me eat my dinner. He made the crucial mistake of telling my Mum that he wasn’t a fan of avocado and needless to say, regardless of who cheated on who first – that’s the crux of the reason why it never worked out.

I mean, this story is of course unrelated to my entire blog,  I just wanted to share how life was glorious and innocent before I used the internet to source my love life and run the very real risk of becoming vag-in-laws with my friends unknowingly.

Like, case in point – a few weeks ago I was Facebook stalking an ex of mine that I had met on Tinder (way before 30DaysofTinder) and he had gone up and done the Tongariro Crossing with this girl. Naturally, I facebook stalked the shit out of her and found out that she had also done date-like adventures in Wellington with Date #2 and Date #3 and documented it on the internet. What are the odds of that? I mean, of course it’s entirely possible she didn’t have sex with any of them and it’s not like I’m commiserating when it’s clear it didn’t work out with any of them but ugh, small world.

I guess this is the part when I need to make it very clear that I’m not jealous of other girls or guys getting into people I have. With the natural exception of the six month – one year grace period you’re allowed to reserve for long term relationships and heartbreak, I’m blissfully under the impression that these girls who get with the same guys I have would actually make really good friends. We could laugh and joke about how awkward it is and I could give them actual useful advice other than “He’s a fuckboy, you deserve better” and it’s not like I’m going back there for more so I’m a better friend than anyone really!

When you’re young and I suppose, slightly more insecure about yourself it is easier to hate the ex’s of the people you date as opposed to understanding the very real possibility you’re not the first person in their life. Social Media has made us experts in stalking each other through so many platforms and the invention of selfies have allowed us to filter ourselves to portray us as the mini-Beyonce’s we all clearly are.

One time when I was going out with a guy at a party, his ex-girlfriend was there too since she was friends with his friends. Because I’m fairly easy going with a tendency to get inappropriately drunk and not understand the social situation I’m in, her and I ended up hanging out. After that I realised that she was extremely awesome, hilarious and just as pretty as my Facebook stalking had concluded. Her and the guy I was dating broke up about a year before we started going out, but they had been together for a long time. I came to the realisation that these girls who go out with the same guys as I have must have some sort of common ground with me. Well, in this case I hoped so because this girl was better than me in almost every single way.
Side note: I understand that people have crazy ex’s and I’ve probably been really lucky/unlucky  where I’m the crazy bitch ex that people refer too.

In relation to Tinder, dating becomes harder when you’re swiping a pool of people based on location and in some cases, the pool water becomes murky very quickly when you find your ex boyfriends, previous tinder conquests and Facebook acquaintances every ten or so swipes.

The term “fuckboy” was first introduced to me by my flatmate who used it to describe a guy she had sex with from Tinder who had this amazing body and clearly worked out all the time but lasted little over two minutes and even managed to slip off the condom during their brief encounter. Needless to say, she was massively disappointed.

This concept still confuses me because apparently it is used to describe a guy who is only good for a fuck and nothing else. Urban Dictionary have some more elaborate definitions probably written by some hella-scorned women but to sum it up – it’s used to describe the guys who don’t want relationships with you for whatever reason therefore: They’re “fuckboys.” Back in my day (last year) I just assumed they were babes when I was drunk and daworst when I was sober. Do people go back for more with these fuckboys?

To conclude this very unrelated blog post, I’m not trying to open myself up to friendship with every single girl that every single guy that I’ve been has also been with (but I want this to happen. I want a vag-in-law party and you’re all invited!!) I just wanted to share my theory about being best friends with your boyfriends ex’s and educate myself and my Mum (if she read this far) on what a fuckboy is.