Date #26 That time I went on a date with the tallest person ever

For those that don’t know me in real life, you probably don’t know that I’m a little bit short. Not an adorable 5ft 5 without heels, or 5ft 3 with a high pony, I’m only tall next to people who have yet to reach double digits. 

Being short isn’t exactly a revelation to me since I haven’t grown vertically since I was 12, but as every short person would know, the short jokes get better every time.

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Why do short people have a hard time raising a family? Because they struggle to put food on the table.

Generally speaking, out of all the misfortune in this world, I would take being short over being obnoxious, ignorant or stupid. Like when people tell a short person that they’re “in proportion” in order to soften the blow. As if the person they’re talking to hasn’t realised short they are.

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You mean… I am below average height ?!?!?

Aside from the short jokes,  frequent references to being short and the occasional struggle with people who are 5ft 7 gloating about how tall they are in comparison, life down under hasn’t been so bad. You just pretend that you’ve never been told that it’s okay to be short because it doesn’t matter when you’re horizontal, or that you could give  a guy a blow job standing up with the weird, sick dwarf fantasy that person clearly has. You just remember that the bigger they are, the harder they fall, into hell.

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Now that we’ve clarified how short I am, let’s get on to the very real date I went on.

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Kia Ora

Date #26 was …. a bit odd. He commented about my sloth picture (as most matches did) and asked about my time overseas. He then said something about getting back from the Manawatu and the flooding that had happened there over the weekend. As I was driving back from Tauranga, I said “Wow, likewise!” as I clearly had a lot to say about flooding in the Manawatu.

This led to a series of relatively bizarre Tinder comments that even a Tinder veteran like myself found strange.

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I found it weird that someone would say, after a day of us matching, that he didn’t realise I was in a relationship, and then admit that he had facebook stalked me.

Usually stuff like this would have resulted in an unmatch, but I only had a few dates left (I had already put in a tiny bit of ground work by responding with more than three words) so I didn’t want to abort mission. Date #26 then suggested, within hours of admitting he had facebook stalked me, that we should exchange slightly risqué pictures on snapchat after I posted a fairly innocent picture of me in a bubble bath with another girl as my ‘story’.

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So after asking if my ex boyfriend and I were still together, admitting that he facebook stalked me, and then asking if I approved of sharing slightly risqué pics all within a 48 hour period, I agreed to meet him for a drink. More specifically a coffee during the day, because after his tomfoolery there was no way I was meeting him outside of work hours, or in a dimly lit environment.

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We agreed to meet at Nikau, at 12pm the following day. I pushed it out from 11am to 12pm because I am a spiteful bitch had some things to do that morning.

At 12.05pm, I stumbled slightly late into Nikau, horrified at the prospect of being the first one there. Date #26 was already sitting down. I could tell he was tall, but this wasn’t exactly at the front of my mind. He was friendly and perfectly polite, I’ll give him that. It was like he  immediately set out to find common ground and from the get go, started talking about travelling as though it was his classic go-to date topic. He said, word for word…

“I consider myself a bit of a travel buff”.

I had to suppress my laughter into my coffee, because it was one of those phrases that sounds perfectly reasonable when it’s written, but strange when someone says it out loud. It’s like saying “Yours sincerely” or Kind regards”  out loud instead of saying goodbye. I found it on brand with the entire situation I was in as I continued to listen to him talk about how buff he was at travelling.

Admittedly, I was already pissed off with him after suggesting we exchange slightly risqué photos before we had even met and just wanted to meet him to make sure he wasn’t as weird as I thought he was. In hindsight, as I write this, I don’t think I would have met him, but a part of me wanted to make sure he wasn’t actually a creep in real life (which I can confirm – he   was just a travel buff with weird tinder chat).

After 20 minutes of D-Grade chat from my end – coffee couldn’t heighten my spirits, I made some excuse about having a busy day (which was genuinely true) and said that I had to go back to work.

That’s when he stood up.

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Jesus take the wheel.

I’m not often caught off-guard by people’s height when there are people in this world who are 5ft4 and tower over me (they gloat about it too), but the travel buff got me hella shook. I remember my jaw actually dropping, being suddenly overwhelmed and feeling slightly sick with vertigo. This guy was so tall, he didn’t just tower over me, he was a skyscraper and I was an igloo.

I obviously didn’t read the part in his bio that mentioned he was 2 metres tall. Or read it at all.

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Enter a caption

I think Date #26 got the jist that I was possibly overwhlemed by how much he physically escalated, and offered to pay for coffee as I crawled back to work. Maybe he was just being a perfect gentleman while I was crawling into a hole, aware of how weird this would have looked to onlookers.

I got back to work and told my co-worker about my brief encounter with the tallest person I had ever seen in my entire life. To which she said – “Oh you mean *insert Date#26’s real name*? Yeah, he was an extra on *one of the blockbuster’s filmed in Wellington* because of how how tall he is”.

A day after our date, I got a message from Date #26 reminding me how short I am. Because I was unaware and had forgotten how tall I was.

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I did think he was huge, but I never told him that (or anything else ever again). I didn’t want him to think that his height scared me off. The travel buff comment still has me shook to this day though.

I have enough struggles in my life, like my legs never touching the ground when I sit on a regular chair. The nighmare of climbing onto a bar stool. Never being able to get anything of the top shelf without parental assistance or not knowing how bad my regrowth actually is.

Being called cute, as a result of being short is just frustratingly cliche, and never gets you anywhere. At least not a second date.

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Vibes

 

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Date #25 Cocktails in the Mount, with a country boy and his beard.

 

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Would you hold it against me?

 

Sorry for my absence, I have been really busy. By that I mean I got Netflix, Neon and Lightbox, ate a lot of food and have all of these extra curricular activities like ‘dog agility’, ‘pilates’ and ‘belly dancing. I’m so sorry  that it’s been six months since I’ve posted. I…just…struggle with the concept of asking people to read what I write, when I get around to writing it. This draft has just been loitering for the last six months like a frequent flier on Tinder (like Geoff – ladies in Wellington, if ya feel me).

The options were very limited, but I was determined/slightly desperate with five final dates to go before I put it to bed (with every single Tinder date in it  – boom). Before I rustled up my date with the Paraplegic Philosophical Sailor, I also hustled this country boy in Mount Maunganui for a back to back date, something I had not undertaken since  Date #12 and #13. Unless I planned to make various stops in Putararu, Levin or Foxton the following day, I would be unable to date on the drive back down to Wellington.

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Date #25 had a big bushy ginger beard and he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. On Tinder, he wrote in perfect English, was pleasant and didn’t ask me to have sex with him within two minutes. Naturally he surpassed all expectations. He also reminded me of Lionel off Shortland Street, or Sparky off Outrageous Fortune, with his impressive ginger beard that covered almost half his face.

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I haven’t dated since I vanished in 1999

During my date with the philosophical sailor, I was desperately not trying to be rude and text another guy during our time together – an all-time low. I made an excuse that I was off to meet some friends (given I know no one in the area who isn’t a blood relation) before driving to my next date. It was impossible to be organised so I drip-fed short messages to him during the date with the sailor before inundating him afterwards insisting that I’ll pick him up in 15 minutes and drop him off later. In hindsight, I must have seemed like a massive creep and he should never have agreed to meet me.

He was at his house with his flatmates, having drinks on a Saturday night when I picked him up. This was the second time I had arranged for a guy to meet me whilst I was sitting in the driver’s seat of my Holden Barina.

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Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me

I am really uneducated when it comes to dating in Mount Maunganui so was unsure how I felt about Date #25’s choice of attire to go to a cocktail bar: a brown Grandpa jersey that was well-loved and pants that weren’t from Area 51. He had the hipster beard to go with his authentic hipster outfit but as opposed to hipsters in Wellington with their beard-oil and Ralph Lauren Polo to mask the smell of their damp flat in Aro Valley, this guy smelt like cooking and homeliness (not to be confused with homelessness).

A Wellington Hipster

 

A Hipster from Tauranga. But I think the actual picture above is a mug shot.

Date #25 was genuine, seemed a little introverted and suspicious of my intermittent Tindering. I talked incredibly fast,  explained my challenge and zoomed to get to the ‘town’ area of the Mount from his residence (which took like 3 and half minutes going 50km an hour… provinces!). I parallel parked the Barina like a boss before my Date suggested we go to the only date-like place in the Mount that didn’t have a Hamilton bar vibe.

Hamilton bar vibes.

We ended up at this place called Vaudeville. If you’re ever in the area – I would recommend it. I had a great drink and they had some swagger Jazz music. This is where the non-existent hipsters of Tauranga would go, if they had any in the first place. On that note, I hope they haven’t gone out of business…

Because I am a strong independent woman, I paid for the drinks. It was clear this date was a one-time thing and I’m not one to lead any one on*. Date #25 nice to a fault, which led to very little material for this blog. My favourite thing he said about himself, was that he was ugly underneath the beard. I wanted to reassure him that I’m sure he looked great underneath all that stubble, but all I could do was remember Lionel from Shortland Street.

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It’s hard to see, Shortland Street

After about 20 minutes of conversation I found out what people in provincial areas (read: not a city) do for a living (he works for a Greenhouse company doing technical stuff that my basic bitch mind could not comprehend) and what people in provincial areas do on weekends – they go to one pub and spend all night there. Date #25 was super nice and invited me to meet his entire Facebook friend list at said one pub and I hung around for an extra five minutes with them to be polite but ultimately felt like it wasn’t a good use of my time given I had to drive down to Wellington the next day.

Date #25 gave me a bushy peck on the cheek and a hug with his grandpa jersey before I went home to google whether Tauranga was an actual city.

 

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I don’t know google, you should check your facts.

* lies

Date #24 The Late Night Stroll With The Philosophical Paraplegic

Before I get into the real reason why you’re here which is to read about my dating life, I just wanted to clarify for the millionth that this blog wasn’t intended to go viral and I don’t want to feel guilty for not posting but then obviously want to explain it to the 500-1ooo people a day who visit my blog the reasons behind my recent radio silence (Hi! Nice to meet you!). For those who don’t know me in real life, you wouldn’t know that one of these guys I have already written about has since passed away. He was one of the best ones. He referred to me  to someone as the “best kind of crazy”, was hugely supportive of the blog and I have the bestest and fondest thoughts of him with me always and am so pleased that I got to experience his crazy, beautiful self with a few pashes in between. Needless to say, it wasn’t the infamous crotch-grabber. I don’t really have much more to say on the matter as I don’t want to take away from the glorious guy I met below but I personally feel a lot more comfortable having acknowledged it on the blog without pretending like it never happened.

And so.. we continue!

 

The day after I met the lawyer, fate (by that I mean my mother’s predisposition for birthing small humans) saw my sister and I driving up to Papamoa for my little brother’s birthday. I was a week and a half away from finishing 30DaysofTinder when I had to interrupt my dating schedule of brunch, beards and hipsters to visit …the Bay of Plenty.

This was seen as labour intensive and a chore initially (Sorry Mum!). I had to make small talk after a seven hour drive with numerous guys by being adorable and flirty, all whilst securing a date or two within a 48 hour period. Believe me, the pool was extremely murky and it was a foreign land full of baggy pants, Waikato Draught and a lot of “hwa u”. I almost missed hipsters and ginger beards after three conversations with various Humans of Tauranga that went a little something like this.

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No, just a shame for you.

 

Fun Tinder story: A year prior when I was in the Bay of Plenty, I was panicking and calling emergency medical clinics in Tauranga for an appointment after a Tinder boy in Wellington called to tell me that he thought that I had given him the clap, even though we had always used protection and hadn’t had sex in months.

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Preach it sister!

Naturally, I confided in a doctor on Tinder (or at least, someone who claimed to be) who was rather relaxed about my possible diagnosis. After four days under some serious stress, sans clap, I was relieved of such accusations. Tinder-boy with assumed clap didn’t actually have the clap and we never slept together again. It killed the mood. Forever.

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I’ve been waiting a lifetime for an appropriate Nicholas Cage gif

Anyway, flashback to me lying in bed at my parent’s house swiping right late in the evening due to my short time-frame and low-key desperation. Being the second-favourite sister meant that I had the privacy to get an actual bed in a room all by myself and not a bottom bunk in a room shared with an eight year old (Shame favourite sister!).

I had a birthday party to attend on the Saturday where I got told off by the supervisor for riding the children’s toy cars and zooming around on the toy motorcycle fit for four-year olds. During this, I was in two minds about the whole dating-lyf in The Bay of Plenty thing and struggled to explain the whole concept to my Mum who understood my pain of trying to meet someone up here.

I was unsure of coming off too forward to these Humans of Tauranga as I was only in the region for one night which could possibly lead to some assumptions.

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I’m here for one night only. No, really.

I didn’t want to be a snobby hipster Wellingtonian but babes, believe me it was pretty fucking bleak when it came swiping in the Bay. So many unknown hand gesture signs in photos with confused (or perhaps constipated) facial expressions to score da babes.

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Mmm, I’ll go for pensievely constipated to allure ya’ll

I swiped across this guy who had written a paragraph to describe himself with some great, purposely chosen photos of various stages of life demonstrating travel, employment, friendship and random ‘questionable’ ones for enquiring about. I love it when people have photographic evidence of friendship on Tinder, it gives us hope.

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One for Facey, Snapchat, Twitter aaaand one for TINDER

Date #24 was a sailor, a writer and a philosopher. There was no way this guy was from Tauranga. I was almost questioning why anyone would be free to meet me on a Saturday night, as I’m never ultimately going to be a good choice for anyone wanting to meet or date me at short notice. I regularly get too drunk given the opportunity and never put out before drunkenly demanding Burger King and falling asleep immediately after eating said Creamy Mayo Cheeseburger and talking/slurring up a huge game of how I was going to rock your world.

Date #24 had a boat, that he sailed and lived on (in?). Because we were in Tauranga I was realistic about what kind of boat he probably had.

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Lower your expectations!
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But not your standards

His boat was somewhere in between. Date #24 and I agreed to meet up at the dock at 8.30pm on a Saturday night. I decided to not take my guard dog Richie in case it scared my date and he was much happier snuggling up to my Mum who was at home watching/sleeping through Bridget Jones Edge of Reason.

 

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Richie, the killer

As I was driving to the dock, I started to have very real fears about my safety despite telling my Mum where I was going (“Going to meet a stranger who owns a boat! BYE”) possibly because it was dark and I was heading towards a dock to my impending doom. I felt like I was really overcommitting myself this whole dating concept for my friends and families enjoyment.

 

Thankfully, Date #24 seemed relatively normal and wheeled towards me with long curly hair, the most impressive beard and ultimately looked like handsome Jesus in a wheelchair. So saintly. He also had an accent, this beautiful brazillian one where he said said ‘darling’ and ‘yes darling’ at the end of every sentence. If I wasn’t so overwhelmed with the situation, I would have been very taken, very quickly with his humble swag. I’ve never felt so basic after talking to someone after five minutes like I did with this guy. He was in his mid 30’s but you’d be forgiven for thinking he was mid 40’s due to how much life he had condensed into his. He was a trained sky diving instructor based in Queenstown for years before his accident. He switched himself and his passenger at the last second to ensure the safety of the other guy who had a young baby and his wife watching him. He broke his back, is now in a wheelchair and is the first paraplegic to sail across the Pacific Ocean. I think.

This guy had serious swagger and ultimate game. After about 20 minutes of our stroll across the dock, I felt like he was literally too old for me and was telling me the tales of his youth. I was almost disappointed in myself that I wasn’t the adorable girl he swiped right on. I mean, I’ve kinda travelled, I have a good job and a cute dog but after speaking to him I felt like I had the most sub-par life. He dated an FHM model back in the states for fucks sake.

It got to the point where I silently started to compare him to my Grandpa because he was worldly, wise and kinda starting to lecture me (he’s also writing a book on Philosophy amongst being super swag and sailing everywhere). I ultimately just couldn’t deal anymore. I adored talking to him but in the same way I liked talking to my Grandpa (in small doses, twice a year)

I made up some adorable excuse about meeting a friend (another Tinder date) in Mt Maunganui and we had this peck on the cheek where I had to bend down – stoked.

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See you at Christmas!

Edit: Usually, I don’t like to discuss the post-dates but in this case I met up with Date#24 again for a drink when he was down in Wellington. He kind of started to allude whether something more was going to happen (which I didn’t think we were ‘there’ yet/not at all) and said that girls who don’t put out after two dates are insecure with themselves.

Food for thought. I must be one insecure mess.

Date #23 Drinks with Warner Huntington III

Apologies for the delay in uploading. I thought that I would take a break to prevent myself from selling out or writing weak content because some people on the internet were offended at the idea of a girl going on 30 dates in 30 days. Crazier shit has happened in the world but hey, if a girl shows confidence, boredom and a desire to go on dates then she is a self-obsessed slut.

Rhetorical question, from a ‘self-obsessed slut’.

Anyway, I’m back and I’m a little sassy. Just like when I met Date #23.

I was quite enthused about this guy. He was a lawyer visiting from Christchurch, (something I found out after a few on and off messages) and he had flown up here for a case. One out of two of his Tinder pictures was a head shot that he clearly took off his work’s website from a crappy phone because it was distinctly low-res. I feel like there is something concerning about anyone with two Tinder pictures. They’re either lazy, non photogenic, a scam, or they’re incapable of uploading pictures to Tinder. None of which are compelling or endearing.

Hello, its me (uploading a picture with an Alcatel).

I must admit, I was intrigued to meet him. He was staying in a fancy ass hotel (of which Wellington has like, two,) and working long hours that weren’t compatible with my schedule. I decided to put some effort in and work around him more than I had with previous dates because his chat was quick, to the point and interesting. We were having paragraph-long conversations with sly flirtatious banter which was enough to mask the whole him-being-a-lawyer-thing.

Let me clear this up really quickly: I am in no way against lawyers. I mean, good for them for loving da law and I’ll almost certainly need one in case I get sued, divorced or taken to court for indecent exposure (any of which might happen at some point). I think it’s because I’ve been to enough social events with law students with my best friend (who is now a lawyer) to collectively write them off as potential luvvers.

I would turn up to these events, relatively drunk and they would try and have serious conversations with me which would just force me to drink more as they asked questions about what I planned to do after graduating (with my Bachelor of Arts with a Major in getting hammered).

Baby Lawyer: “I’m drunk, I’m slurry and you look slutty enough that I could take you home, but first where do you see yourself in five years?”

 

Me: “I’m going to write a blog about dating before getting fat and hopefully finding an old dude to be my sugar daddy”

 

Baby Lawyer: “Well that is fine with me. Not that you asked but I’m going to be rich because I’m 100% going to get a grad job at a law firm”
Me: “You must be so smart with dat LLB thang”
Me: “Now I need to urinate”
Baby Lawyer ponders before continuing his hunt for a one night stand that could maybe turn into more if she looks good in the morning.

I mean, sorry to offend all the male lawyers that don’t read this blog, but when you were students, you guys were unnecessarily cocky. It was so unwarranted and I was just trying to have a good night at these events as a sassy gal in her early 20’s who liked tequila and table dancing. Young Professionals (Yo-Pros: “yah-prahs”) can be so obsessed with making sure that it sounds like they’re killing it in their early 20’s with their fabulous jobs, and hiding the fact that they’re barely over minimum wage.

“I really want to do my Masters (if I can’t find a job that pays me my self-worth)”

Anyway, luckily for me – this lawyer was in his 30’s with great grammar, a full set of hair and hopefully spent his time doing grown up things that didn’t include getting drunk at Ponderosa with young pretty girls who are too drunk to see their bald spots.

Oops, I’ve probably accidentally offended people!

He was at Court all day on the day we were supposed to meet and said he was going to let me know whether or not he could make it since it was possible it was going to run late. I had a back up plan in case I was ditched- go to after work drinks at an actual official Young Professional network where people drink and talk about how successful they are with their current ventures, while getting the House Red and adding it to their student loan debt.

Tough gig man. All that hard work!

Date #23 gave me about an hour to text my friends to tell them I wasn’t going to make it to the baby wanker Yo-Pro event so i suggested to Date #23 that we meet at Dockside, not Foxglove, where the baby Yo-Pro event was being held to avoid confrontation.

Sorry, gotta work late. #YoPro life

For fear of being the first one there, I timed my trip accordingly so that I was only five minutes late to meet the guy who probably earned my yearly wage in a month. From our brief but relatively captivating conversation, it didn’t seem like he was all that bothered to meet anyone off Tinder given his intense schedule and therefore he wouldn’t be too impressed if I was more than 15 minutes late. Also, maybe I was wanting to make a good impression! Maybe.

He told me he needed to go back to his hotel after Court to shower and change before we met.

I had not afforded him the same courtesy … I’d just finished work after eight, long, hard hours of sitting at my computer being young and professional.

Sometimes I get told off in meetings for using Snapchat and zooming in on people’s faces

This guy smelt great and looked great and the only effort I had made was putting on perfume and red lipstick.

You bet I wear my slutty corporate out and about.

He was sitting outside Dockside waiting for me where he had a drink (seriously, I was only five minutes late! Lawyers) and when I ordered my G&T, Date #23 waved away my wallet when I went to pay. Suave.

Conversation was as you would imagine it to be with someone who was clearly successful, but he gave off the impression that he was the type who never went to these Yo-Pro events; he spent his time at work not socializing with the outside world and working his butt off for seven years of minimum wage before BAM paying off his loan and buying an apartment.

His work was definitely his life but he had other redeeming qualities, like his family and sports that he played on the weekends and not watched on the TV .

Do all lawyers end up like this?

Don’t be silly.

After about 15 minutes with Date #23 I started noticing all these Yo-Pros I knew by association filtering into Dockside. (What? I thought it was being held at Foxglove?). Too many people started saying ‘hi’ to me – and all five of those people remembered I’d worked at the trashiest bar in Wellington – leading my date to make a slightly awkward joke that I was famous.These kids were everywhere!!

Rest in Peace Big Kumara

The weather dropped and Date #23 suggested we go inside and have a second drink. The night was going well and he was still smelling good. We went inside where it was overly busy and the Yo-Pro event was being held out the back. A good friend came up (which I have to say, in case he reads this,) who knew about my excessive dating habits, and he introduced himself to my date like the good networker he is. I got the impression that Date #23 was trying to figure out whether I was good enough to go on a second date with, since he began asking me the most thought-provoking questions I’ve ever had to endure in my entire life – and I took a philosophy paper once in third year.

I failed it. I’m so basic.

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Philosophy is da best.

For fear of this guy re-using these questions on every other girl he dates, (a likely case,) I won’t repeat them. Some of them were normal, like who would you invite to dinner out of anyone, living, famous or dead etc. I said my Opa, who I’d never met and my Dad, because I’ve never seen them together. I must have thrown in Britney Spears in there for good measure and to make the whole hypothetical dinner situation awkward if it was 2007 Britney. Regardless, it made me sound like I was super into my family, super humble and not too obsessed with celebrity. Date #23 then asked if I’d like another drink. It was like a prize for not sounding stupid.

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Yes please! I only go on dates anyway so I can justify my drinking habits.

We continued with the thought-provoking questions for another drink, but as it was nearing 8pm, it was getting late and I was getting hangry. Hanger isn’t something I ever try and show people I barely know, so I always just make up excuses to justify leaving that doesn’t end in: “this situation has outlived the are-we-getting-dinner question, so I’ve gotta go”.

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“My parking is ….running out.”

Regardless, the night was kinda ending and I was too lazy to walk to my car in the rain “I wouldn’t get there in time!“(even though I paid for all-day at 8am in the morning) so I got an Uber 1km up the road. Best $5.30 of my life!

Date #23 walked me to my Uber, held the door and kissed my cheek before walking into the rain. He insisted he was going to walk back to his fancy ass hotel, in this ridiculous rain even though I offered to drop him off in my Uber.

Lawyers! Why so cheap? Did my three drinks reaaaaallly set you back?

As Date #23 lived in Christchurch and was leaving the next day, it was unlikely a second date was on the cards anytime soon. We continued to text and snapchat for a while until he started sending me half naked snapchats.

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I never ask for half-naked snapchats! This is weird, confusing and I’m going to reply with my double chin and my dog.

Date #20 Sunday Night Stroll with a Poetic Canadian

Don’t tell my most recent ex-boyfriend this, but I met a better version of him with Date #20.  After the horrific experience of Date #19 (Don’t lie Melissa, you loved it!) I decided I needed to cut weirdos if they said anything offensive, stupid or creepy and not to meet anyone who looked suspiciously tiny. My Tinder prospects immediately dwindled.

Enter Date #20. I have zero recollection of actually swiping on him but since I was notified at some point on Sunday that I had a match, I guess we had done so during one of my mindless swipe sessions.

Date #20 went for the bold first move and said “Hi Melissa, how’s life going?”. His Tinder profile made me think that he looked like my most recent ex (which wasn’t disastrous, just a solid meh of 10,) with the exception that he was Canadian.

AND REMEMBER HOW MUCH I LOVE CANADIANS?!

Seriously.

Since I love Canadians and hate chatting on Tinder, my first reply was: “Good. Would you like to go for a coffee or a drink now?”. He seemed a little taken aback by me coming on to him at 5.30pm on a Sunday evening and said “Just please don’t be an axe murderer, that would be the fastest request to meet on Tinder.. so yes”.

S u c k e r.

I assured him that I would leave my axe at home before proposing we grab a hot drink and walk along Oriental Parade (so that I could take my dog for a walk… I was becoming really resourceful with these Tinder dates!).

I insisted that I pick him up in the Barina in 20 minutes, before asking what sort of drink he would like. He said he wanted something good for recovery, so I chose some sort of fruit juice to ease his hangover.

After I initially messaged him at 5.26pm, he was sitting in my car by 6.43pm. Now that’s what I call efficient! (And potentially desperate).

Date #20 was quite similar to my ex on quite a few fronts. He was a little shy, rather lovely and seemed like the kind of sensitive soul who would find love at the end of a movie but whose scenes would end up on the cutting room floor, so no one ever found out.

I learnt that he worked in I.T and was here on a working holiday, just like my previous lover. It was nice that he had travelled, it meant we had a little more to talk about than basic bitch topics. We tried to find our common interests, and at this point there wasn’t a lot to go off.

Things got interesting when I found out he wrote poetry. I take back what I said about finding love at the end of the movie which no one cared about, this guy was smooth. He was real. I like the idea of a man who can express his feelings in more ways than the post-coital chat.

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Have I ever told you how amazing your eyes look in this dim light, late at night?

He was sweet and genuine, I’ll give him that. I don’t think our spark went off because I was talking too much about myself to make the time go by. After our moonlit walk along Oriental Parade which was a cute setting for any first date – until Richie went for a wee poo – we walked back to the Barina and I must have driven him home. I was busting to pee by this stage and could barely string sentences together.

He messaged me at 7.47pm to thank me for the spontaneous weekend. I said that it was so lovely meeting him as well and then never met up with him again. Although he did suggest it four more times after that.

… Of course he did.

Date #18 Breakfast Coffee with a Bodybuilder

When you decide to go on 30 Tinder Dates in 30 Days, you figure out really quickly what your type is because you’re swiping through the entire single population of Wellington.

“Oooh, older, light hair with a Dad-bod? Yes please!”. 

Having such a type limits potential Future Boyfriends, and you may find yourself with slightly younger versions of your Dad, whose ‘Dad-bod’s might correlate to health problems later in life. Throw in a few inappropriate jokes and a German accent and I may as well just date my Dad.

Hallo, nice to meet you. You look just like my daughter.

With that a very real fear in the back of my mind (I’m pretty sure that most girls fear they’ll end up with a guy exactly like her Dad) I decided to broaden my horizons.

This wasn’t a token effort, despite my relatively relaxed attitude and low standards for Tinder prospects. I had to at least find them attractive and my rule was that I found them appealing enough to go on a date with them regardless of whether I had a 30 day quota or not.

Enter Date #18 who was the oldest Tinder date I’ve dated to date.

Get it?

Yet it still felt as though the age gap wasn’t a deal-breaking barrier. He had a kid, was from the Hutt and according to his photos, was a body builder. So basically, he was still similar to my Dad, with the exception of the whole six-pack thing.

I’m not sure whether I was attracted to the idea of going out with a body builder, but I definitely had a crush on Johnny Bravo growing up and I was open minded to someone having a rock-hard version of a Dad-Bod. Who’s to stand in the way of potential true love with someone who is guaranteed to spend at least two hours a day leaving you alone honing his hot bod?

You look pretty…I look pretty…why don’t we go home and stare at each other?

Initial contact pleasantly surprised me, as Date #18 didn’t succumb to this horrible stereotype that I unfortunately was beginning to create in my head that built guys would have personalities like Johnny Bravo. Date #18 seemed sweet, was employed and loved dogs and kids. His kid looked cute in photos too, so at least I knew in advance that he would bring some cute genes to mix with my womb.

That was so weird. I’m sorry.

Every time I go to the gym (so, twice in my entire life), I see these guys at the gym who have conversations with each other about their massive traps and I’m like:

What’s a trap?

With all of these factors in the back of my mind, Date#18 and I agreed to meet for coffee. He suggested Memphis Belle as it was his local and we confirmed a Saturday morning time of 11am. It wasn’t until the morning that we met that I realized I needed to wear something that hid my fat six/overweight eight frame that was growing rapidly with all of the free beverages and free food I was going through.. Date #18 was also a personal trainer, just to add a slight amount of pressure. I went for tight jeans and a puffer jacket to pretend like it was made to look as though I had a cute face, chubby waist, thick legs, in shape. I’m not usually one to get insecure but for someone who puts a lot of effort into their figure made me realize why I’m in preference of the Dad-bod.

Fun fact: Missy Elliot is 44 now.

I was running slightly late because of my slight outfit insecurity and ended up being at Memphis Belle before Date #18. One of my favourite things about having a dog is pretending like you’re never alone in public. I ordered a Trim Flat White and sat down on a wriggly chair, at a chipped wriggly table outside Shot Shack whilst I mourned my 17 year old self.

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I’d rather see you up there shaking dat thang.

When Date #18 finally showed up around seven to eight minutes after me, he sort of gestured to the Barista to demonstrate that he wanted his usual, before asking me if I wanted anything. He used some sort of G-Unit hand gesture to signal this, which I wouldn’t usually relate to ordering a coffee.

We decided to move to the dirty hipster couches right outside the door and I started to realise we hadn’t engaged in much conversation other than the basic facts. It’s hard communicating with so many fucking Tinder potentials and talking to at least 80 out of 500. Getting past the basic greeting with me was anyone’s success story since I refused to communicate with anyone who said anything douchey, boring or weird.

Job check, Hot bod check, anything else?

I won’t lie, Date #18 was slightly fresh, but a lot more eloquent than I expected. For one, he didn’t seem to have a comb on him to manicure his cartoon quiff and he didn’t really seem to be overly indulged in himself. Great sign. He had grey bits in his beard and I joked that it looked like Richie’s. We talked about Tinder, life in the Hutt, and my dog. He was also a big fan of dogs and had a pitbull that is currently with his ex. He didn’t really bag her in front of me, though it seemed like it was an incredibly messy breakup that I respected him for ( not bagging her out I mean, not for a messy breakup!) He loved his son, his friends and his job, it seemed. I was getting to the point where I would start saying douchey things to see if he would succumb but he didn’t seem to take the bait.

Me: “OMG do you train girls that you find are hot????”

Date #18 “Haha, sometimes”

Urgh, Come on.

Although I wasn’t overly into it, I felt like he wasn’t either. I imagine this guy usually gets with teenage bottle-blondes who wear a lot of tight dresses despite being in his thirties. That, or my puffer jacket hid my chest and he was disappointed that my cleverly angled Tinder photos were clearly a ploy. Sorry babes!

I wasn’t completely off the mark with my assumptions, Date #18 must have only planned an hour for our encounter as at 12pm his friends rocked up to pick him up for some sort of sport in the afternoon and parked next to Dreamgirls yelling at him. These guys all seemed like they were 10 years too old to be driving crappy cars and living for the weekend but I guess that’s what YOLO was invented for.

Without being too critical, I was pleasantly surprised that he wasn’t actually Johnny Bravo, but I don’t trust a guy who spells his name wrong for whatever reason. I can’t deal!

Why is there more vowels in your name to prove a point?

I ended up running into him a few days later when I was meeting up with a girl where he suggested we needed to catch up again, then the next weekend too whilst I was in da clubs with another guy from Tinder. Turns out, he’s a bouncer on the weekend but let me in anyway despite holding hands with another guy. Thanks for the coffee and for letting me skip the queue!

Date #16 Drinks…and then Dinner with a guy from the Hutt

I had planned on a quiet one for this particular Wednesday. This dating game was tiresome. Do you all even know how hard it is to find casual slutty work attire (slasual dress) to then have to socialise after work and attempt to flirt?

Nice to meet you

I’m definitely not an expert at guys or dating. All I seem to know in life is how to talk too much and drink too much, too quickly.  I seem to open up the second I meet a guy, refuse to put out and then wonder why they think I’m crazy.

Date #16 was a friend of a friend who’s friend I had already pashed when he came over once to watch Fight Club. I was 17 and if it wasn’t already obvious with me writing this blog in the first place, it didn’t work out. I remember meeting Date #16 at a pre-drinks for the races, with my fake I.D, white blonde hair and Dove overly-summer glowed skin.

We had talked a few times over Tinder having previously matched a few times. He was a couple of years older than me and went to a catholic boys school. From memory, he always seemed to be one of those guys who had a girlfriend, but judging by his current Tinder status, he was available, and I was on the lookout for new prey.

The conversation was quick, fast and to the point. We must have had some banter during a previous Tinder life.

Date #16: “Hello again… so what are your motives? Trying to catch out a boyfriend or a friend’s boyfriend? Haha

Me: “Take me out and I might tell you. In saying that I don’t put out on the first date”

Date #16: “Sounds like a deal. After work something? Or the weekend?

Me: “After work sounds good. Where are you based?

We agreed to meet at Matterhorn, which is a relatively chilled out establishment where you can dine or drink. I’ve only ever had consumed their gin and tonics. I had been there a few times on dates with guys who were usually way older than me, so it could be widely used as a stomping ground for older guys to pass the time with younger girls and then after a few weeks or months, wonder why they’re on different levels.

Hmm.

P.S You had good reason to be mad at me that night. I wasn’t just flirting with the bartender, I pashed him outside the bathroom at Matterhorn. You know you love me xoxo Gossip Girl

We agreed to meet there at 5.30pm after work. I had every intention of arriving on time, since I had left work at quarter past five. Naturally, I got distracted by the huge sale sign outside Typo and ended up spending fifteen minutes looking at Coachella themed stationary for tweens at pocket-money prices. Whoops!

“Sorry I’m late, I was looking at pens with feathers on them”

When I finally got there, Date #16 had patiently waited for me and hadn’t even ordered a drink. Obviously my stationary perusing wasn’t keeping the guy from staying hydrated for too long, I was simply adding to the mystery that is me by being courteously late (10 minutes and under). I ordered a gin and tonic, he ordered a beer and we started off the conversation with our mutual love of the Hutt and other common grounds – not that there was lots of that.

I planned on having a relatively early night. Mainly because this dating game was becoming more tedious and I was having the best time ever by myself.

After two drinks and reasonably B grade chat (not enough to get him laid, only A’s get the A) he suggested the idea of dinner. I was hungry and had no real food plans outside the fantasy ofBurger King, so we settled on Mexico, since it was close and a classy first date location forclassier-than-usual Hutt people. I had to move my car from the parking lot so Date #16 got to witness my terrible parallel parking skills as a bonus.

Mexico, in my mind is a bit of a funny place. It’s an Auckland restaurant in a Wellington location with a Wellington crowd where the music is too loud on a Sunday night with a lot of darkness and red hues covering the place. I’ve been there on three dates with three different guys. Two out of three of the guys I went with ended up profusely sweating due to the spicy fried chicken. Gross. I think I slept with one of them after dinner there one night regardless… I don’t know, I can’t really remember.

The fried chicken was good though. That I do remember.

I’m somewhat hesitant to regurgitate what was said during this date. Some of it was so cringe-worthy. He was impressed that I ordered a beer and I got ‘points’ for that. We ended up playing a silly game where we got date points for things that we liked about each other… putting that into words makes me more embarrassed as I type this. What is my life? Why am I such a loser? Is this why no one loves me? Date #16 was lovely though. I felt like he was boyfriend material. Not necessarily my kind of boyfriend, but he gave off that kind of boyfriend vibe. I don’t know how to explain this in words, it was just a vibe.

We started to transition into the friend-zone towards the end of the night. I think because he was playing it cool and I was just on automatic flirt-mode where I transitioned from outrageously forward, to overly-forward-clearly-putting-them-in-the-friend-zone, to being that girl that your friend is currently sleeping with so you maintain cool conversation and stick to the basic facts. I was being really open with this guy since he was cool with the idea of 30 Days of Tinder and I kinda felt like he wasn’t fazed that this wouldn’t progress into anything more. I paid for dinner to win against the points system. It was a $50 or $60 something ploy that I paid for to get some feminist snaps.

Holla at me sister

He send me a text the following Monday asking how my weekend was.

He sent me a text the following Monday asking how I was and that my mutual friend mentioned something.

I must have forgotten to text back. My bad